Dear Tin……

 

 

Dear Tin,

We met in one of the most unlikely, unpleasant places but you’ve become one of my life long companions. I didn’t choose you but you chose me. You remind me of one of those abusive partners, constantly screaming at me. Sometimes you change your tone and I can almost bear you. That doesn’t last long, you return with a vengeance. Not letting me enjoy my social life or look forward to anything anymore, making it hard to sleep and when I do nod off it’s out of exhaustion from listening to you.

You are always there, constantly reminding me of your presence. 2am, 2pm, yes you are there. You abducted my self-esteem for a while and almost my sanity but that didn’t last long! You don’t have a clue what it’s like to be silent and are making sure I will never know what that means again either. You took away the peaceful existence I could achieve when I decided I needed to disappear for a while, to escape the everyday stresses.

In the most beautiful surroundings you are there reminding me you’ll never be quiet.. you brought along your double D friends to join you.. deafness and dizziness. Those I can handle, live with and most days see humour in. Even when they make me feel socially inadequate and embarrassed at times.. but you.. you are a complex, devious beast to control. Inside my head torturing me on days and easing off on others.. but one thing I promise you.. I am a hard one to break! I’ve tried all sorts to get rid of you, needles poked in my neck and head at an attempt to destroy you but you are not having any of it.

You are here to stay so I’ll smile through your high pitch shrieks because that’s what I do.

Tinnitus.. you changed my life over night but lets head onwards & upwards for our own sake and the sake of others.

Love,

K.

P.S. Keep the volume down!

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‘What Are You Good At?’

“What are you good at?” That is what I was asked today. In an unexpected, random chat with an old friend. First thing that sprung to mind was “feeling sorry for myself.” I’ve become a bloody expert at that in the past year. I didn’t answer like that obviously out of fear of looking pitiful, attention seekingly needy or ridiculous but it was flipping spot on, truly how I felt the second she asked me.

Flooded in panic, I spat out…….”writing, I love to write, I used to write all the time.” Of course  my writing was always based on some hilarious scenario I had just been part of or at least witnessed. Like a flying ironing board in the country’s capital or being skipped in the queue at the Convenience Store (Not very convenient I can tell you) by a semi sloshed old geezer with the breath of a sailor. When politely pointing out that I was actually in fact before him in the queue, his reply was ” ħobbha l-mummy ta’ għax m’ hemmx bħalha” Meaning, love your mum because there’s no one quite like her. He had a valid point! Even though he didn’t know my mum and it had nothing to do with him sneaking in before me, he got me thinking, crafty bugger, senseless yet effective…confuse her and you will get your way…….. and get his way he did.

Story of my life it seems…..

So, here I am, once again, confused. Confused as to why I’m sitting uncomfortably at my kitchen table, dog making my left foot numb, traces of the kids lunch still sprinkled unfashionably on the place mats, yet I’m furiously scribbling down all that is coming into my head in complete and utter disarray, as if my life depended on it.

Now are there coincidences in life? I’m not quite sure. The jury is still out on that one. However, today is exactly one year. One year since my entire life flipped upside down, did a cartwheel, back flip, moonwalked and “trampolined”  me into this new, definitely unimproved version of myself. And the question is…drumroll please…. Who the bloody hell am I? Looking in the mirror I don’t recognise a single feature. Where is that happy, assertive, excited about life, ball of energy that once called itself by my name? Is she gone? That I doubt. Is she buried? Possibly! Is there any chance of digging her out? Wellies, spades and wheelbarrows to help, maybe. But one thing is clear, it’s going to take a whole lot of effort.

Back to that year ago.. oh yes.. laying on the sofa, reading some complete and utter non-sense, rubbish yet entertaining, when I was overcome with a feeling of trippy-ness :). The room was spinning. Beautiful colours I couldn’t make out were flashing before my very eyes- now if I’d had a few drinks I would’ve called this an eventful night but I hadn’t Then BOOM. I was out. BOOM. I was taken to hospital.. BOOM I confused and baffled numerous people. BOOM. Scared the shit out of loved ones, then BOOM. I’m signing myself out of hospital. Entered as a pretty damn wacky female with a life all planned out and an exciting one it was going to be. Exited…… Walking like a drunk, needing help to shuffle and balance, speaking like someone who just had the shit beaten out of her. Hyper sensitive to noise, yet deaf, in constant pain and not knowing what in God’s name was going to happen to her from there. A few weeks along….. Home was safety. Everywhere else, not where I belong or wanted to be. Was told to venture out slowly, get my confidence back. Sounded right…. so tried it. Went to the grocer’s, the humming of the old lady’s fridges almost ripped through my brain like a well sharpened blade. Leaving gashes on my will to ever try anything like that again. My ears were throbbing, yep that was a NO NO.

 

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A few weeks along….. let’s try again. My sister was ecstatic about buying a new house and of course wanted me to be part of her very important day. Stepped in the house….. Five people talking at the same time and that very familiar rip through my ears and head was back and back to make me suffer. I politely excused myself – shuffled to the car and bawled my eyes out in complete and utter despair. Tears and drool coming out of my eyes, nose and mouth, I looked like a real treat! What an attractive mess I was. Note to self…….. Refrain from leaving the house ever again. Who needed money, food, essentials, social interaction or a life anyway? I could just lay there and exist on my bed, forever getting by on the entertainment of watching Friends with subtitles for the rest of my life.

Literally, thrusting everyone who gives a shit about me away. Not wanting any interaction. My answer to everything was ‘just leave me alone’ and eventually they did because I made it impossible for them to do otherwise. It’s what I needed wasn’t it?

With all my will and a few less loved ones to egg me on (my fault of course) I started back at work. As a youth-worker, it was literally impossible not to interact and be around noise. I took baby steps to attempt to get back on track. When I say baby steps it was more like elephant on roller-skate steps to fit right back in where I left off.

Was it a piece of cake? More like a stick of rock from Bournemouth Pier. It was hard, yet good. Good to be back with those familiar faces. Nerve-racking knowing things would be different but essential to my recovery.

One year on…… Yep one year on…. Have things improved? Absolutely. Am I still in pain on a daily basis? YES. Do I feel left out? YES. Do I feel insecure and uncertain about the future? YES. Am I still upset that my social life is almost non existent? Yes… Am I going to give in to this? NO. Am I going to let this experience dictate my life? Hopefully not.

Will things get better? They bloody have to. 

So what am I good at?

Hmm – Lets see:

I’m good at being chaos, I’m good at adapting and understanding that even with a piece of me missing I am still very much whole.

 

 

Today’s Thoughts

seedAt some point in our lives, every single one of us is going to experience loss. At the time it feels like the end of the world. The bereavement of a loved one, the breaking down of a relationship and loss of mental and physical health are all ingredients that could knock the five senses out of even the strongest of us. However, along with the obvious losses one encounters in their life there are also the types of loss that no one talks about much. Many of these appear at a time when we feel powerless. Our self belief, will power, esteem, inner peace, focus and drive become impaired and  the natural thing to feel is self pity, and that is ok. One may encounter feelings of hurt, anger, deprivation,frustration, guilt and failure and this is where things start getting gloomy. We may beat ourselves up and repeat the ‘what ifs’ and ‘should haves’ in our head over and over again but the question is…will this change anything? While torturing ourselves with thoughts of the past or even expectations for the future we tend to forget the now, and what is now looking like? Now is looking pretty damn bleak. Now is a time of struggle, of questioning, of sometimes helplessness but that can’t last and shouldn’t last! How about accepting the pain, however difficult it may be, allowing the loneliness to run it’s course and identify that this is something that is going to get easier and will eventually pass. Let that time which you call ‘abandonment’ be the moment you learn to know, I mean really know yourself. Allow those episodes of isolation be transformed into ones of reflection. Understand that one must acknowledge and face pain and loss because that is part of life. Once we become aware of it, it is then that we can start our journey of recovery. Through experience, whether challenging or wonderful, we grow and that is so exciting! These incidents make us who we are. They mould us, develop us and educate us on how to live and that is extraordinary. Life is not all butterflies and flowers, life is hard, but when we challenge that fact and face it head on, we empower ourselves to make that change. We may often ask ourselves why and how things happen. In reality no one can answer that. It is the natural quest of life. With all this said there is so much to be gained from loss! This may sound bizarre but let’s look at things from another perspective. Where there is loss there has to be gain. When passing through troublesome times, this is where true beauty reveals itself. Love, kindness and generosity reveal themselves in the most unlikely places. That extra smile that is passed your way which somehow makes your day, is a miracle. The abundance of  love and patience the people around you show becomes exceptional. The hugs that before somehow seemed uncomfortable, unnatural and empty, transform themselves into deep, true, honest, caring embraces. Those who may have just been friends for years become family, looking out for one another and encouraging each other to hold their chin up and walk proud. These are the miracles of loss. Through burying a seed in the dirt, somewhere dark and alone, the watering of others and the abundance of sunlight make them grow. Some seeds may need some time in the soil detached from the beauty happening outside their constrictions but once they are ready they will sprout. They will show their timid self, uncertain of how far to reach out yet slowly accepting what is there waiting for them. Taking their time, slowly learning to trust what is out there and then within a split second BOOM, they blossom into the divine flowers they were destined to be. From then on, these flowers become the focus of positivity, the reason why the garden looks so colourful and an addition to the beauty of its surroundings……

The Start of Kay’s Bubble

3816770796_b6e8cdf3c6The Start of Kay’s Bubble

A wise man once told me ‘don’t live the moment, create it’, and that is exactly what I have decided to attempt. I have always loved to write and find my true emotions and feelings come out a lot more clearly in the written word rather than verbally….one might say I’m a tad awkward at blurting out anything meaningful and often suffer from a bad case of verbal diarrhea. I have always been a very positive person and find humour in just about any experience I have. However, I’ve had one of the worst years ever and somehow for a while I had forgotten how to see the funny side of things, but I’m back, so prepare yourselves 😉 I woke up this morning feeling about as positive as a goldfish going for a shoe fitting at Clarkes . However a friend’s phone call changed my day and hopefully my mindset…so new day….new me. No more wallowing in the past, no more Ben and Jerry’s binges whilst watching Bridget Jones for the 20th time. Now is about that time to get a grip, wave the middle finger to my past fails and scoot forward into the new. The vision of the new me is quite exciting in my head. Whether or not I achieve the goals I set for myself is another story. However, I’m on the right track! So plans for a hopefully more positive me are as follows:

1. Be more healthy….ie make no excuses and get myself moving again. Whether I like it or not exercise is something I need to introduce back into my life. Eating properly is another must and no longer are the days where my idea of being on a diet is blowing the sugar off a doughnut 😉 So from tomorrow my fridge gets a make over.

2. Expose myself to the positive……be it people who make me happy and feel wanted, making my house a bit more me, being out and about in nature, going for walks by the sea or in the countryside, reading the books that nourish me rather than encourage negativity and of course appreciating that I am one of the luckiest women in the world having two beautiful,supportive daughters.

3. Accept myself with all my imperfections…..I’m irritating, I worry about everything to the point of if the grocer doesn’t reply to my good mornings I think he either hates me, I owe him money or I’ve run over his cat * looks for stains on the road*.I’m dramatic, over sensitive, a bit tragic at times and over protective of my loved ones.However looking from a positive angle and being as this heading is accept my imperfections…I may be all these things but I’m also a hard worker, a good mum (I hope), a loving daughter, a friend, I’m passionate about things I believe in, focused most of the time and a sarcastic cow ( which often works in my favour funnily enough ). So my point being I’m not perfect, never will be and that’s OK…my imperfections make me who I am (weird yet lovable) 😉

So the fact that I decided to start a blog is very daring on my part…..mostly because I’m about as computer savvy and technical as an old granny who tries to contact her daughter by dialling her TV remote (seen it)…. Anyways wish me luck and I look forward to writing down and sharing any thoughts, experiences and darn right senseless quotes here in an attempt to rekindle my love of writing…good night 😉